hey idiot i just met that college girl you used to hang out with you know ... big ass big boobs. she was like jude jude you're so awesome so i banged her. hope it's not your daughter i would hate to have sex with my niece    

countryside gentleman indeed. i like to spread joy with my dick. crazy how we are identical twins and yet i'm still 2 inches longer than you. her words, not mine. love ye bro    

always tense. hard and tense. they call it a boner you idiot  

you would be obsessed too if ye were 2 inches longer boy com'on i didn't ask about her name, there is some boundaries a gentleman shall never cross  

the only chick giving me a hard time here is you   but nope her name is harley. it's annoying just to look at her face kinda   howdie you didn't visit for quite sometimes i'm starting to have second thoughts about our relationship    

she's been through a lot of shit ! and victoria never stopped me from waiting for you on naked thursday nights. ye know i always have a spare lady for you to play with

you're lucky i love my face so much i would've punched you otherwise what's wrong ? you always have time to send me cheesy letters i figured you were drunken high somewhere in the amazon surrounded by pink string piranhas !

*SPOILER ALERT* *love you most* and you can't live with that. you should fight for your twin i mean you're my backup plan if i geta liver failure from all the drinking

you're so bad. where's your good manners ? i could be dying right know, sipping that antic bottle of whisky i stole from dad's hidden mini bar. join me and stop your nonsense.

i have a tv. you can watch soccer here. jude i feel it. you're not fine aren't you ?

you better come jude. i give 30 min tops.

you're so annoying like o m g. i'm coming to your place then. i was watching the bachelor but one should sacrifice for family.

the chicks are hot. it's like appropriate porn for the average horny housewife i'm bringing whisky why do you want beer ?

you dare ! i'm a divored man, jude. things are different for me know. and ye better enjoy the whisky, i told dad you took it

i mean you're an idiot well you get in trouble all the time, call it karma     

finally i don't think i'm quiet fine with the whole divorce thing. gabrielle went to greece for a few days would you tell her you miss her, as a friend, and that she really needs to come back home now. we kissed it would be weird if i just text. you owe me, you killed my fish when we were eight ! 

and wat do you know abt relationships ? you dated a milf   i can't text ! stupid idea ! she prolly think i have strong feelings and we're in the "hard to get" phase. won't go to greece fuck you im not prepared to wear open sandales yet ! n don't bullshit me with your "bob wanted to see what was out there" theory. it's a damn fish. no water, no life.

jealous of wat ? a wrinkled vagina ? no thanx i love her no need to say it out loud this is not a bloody soap opera she is sick jude you don't realize how it feels freaks me out to sleep next to the woman ! you monster argh are you kitten me right now ? i'm glad we didn't have a cat as a pet.

wassup with yo acting all clever now ?? i text you to text her i think it's very mature of me ! she's no happy i ruin stuff you said it so just ask her to come back for me please please PLEASE.

wat if she meets a greek guy and they eat greek yogurt n fall in love whilst i'm beggin for you to text her ! just do it man    

i'm reporting you to peta (the fucking organization not the dummy in hg) hate you so much my pinky's shakin !

don't do me any favors is this the kind of relationships we're having now ?

if im a pussy you're a pussy ! ok i'll text  

you pushed me when i was holding the fucking urne ! blame is on you. mom would never believe you with your history of killing pets. and you and i both know granny was completely irrelephant